cesary

Like the water who can’t form a shape without containing itself to a solid mass..

Like the rose who will die without the rays of the sun..

Like the air who can’t whistle without the wind..

Like the fish without the larvae and plankton under the sea..

Like this endless letters formed into indescribable words..

I’m longing to have you..
Contain you in my arms..
Whistle my words of love together with the wind..

Because in this world full of lust, crime, temptations, & envies.. you’re my barrier, my protector, my conscience, my strength, & my Savior..

and most of all..

you’re mine..

(in my dreams..)

I was admitted last Sunday 7/19/9 due to LBM 7x and vomiting 7x secondary to eating contaminated buko pandan before sleeping.. atleast i think it’s contaminated.. why else would I be in the hospital. Haha..

Well, my very good friend Melocent visited me after immediately knowing about my condition.. hahaha.. sweet naman nya.. Well, we’ve been through a lot.

My boss, Sir Rhitt & his wife visited me too. They thought it’s because of their prepared foods that I got ill, but it’s not.. I attended the birthday party of their son earlier, that’s why.

Currently, I’m out of the hospital but I’m in the house.. still recovering. Dehydration is my enemy right now. Hehehe..

CHANGE TOPIC:

I’m recently bothered about why the people around me keep on saying that I changed.. I think I’ve noticed that too but not really concerned about it.. It’s just, to sum it all up, I can say that I’ve become STRONG. It’s like saying,

“With great power, comes great responsibilities”
To change is to have massive effort and will power.. maybe I’m tired of being the puny little girl I was.. I’ve noticed that I do not easily get hurt about what other people say about me or towards me.. I don’t cry easily anymore.. It’s like having a shield around me that resent any threat to my ego, that’s why I fight back verbally through philosophy.. Hehe.. I think it all started when I was heart broken a year ago.. I remembered saying to myself, “this is the last time that I will cry for ‘nonsense’”…

People are tagging me “suplada” due to this matter.. but no.. I’m simply scarred due to inexperience… I’m currently waiting for the one person who will understand me truly and sincerely, the one who can break the stone layer of my stitch-full heart.. Hahaha..!

Hey, thanks.. ;P

Full of surprises, challenges, trials, hurt feelings, joy in simple things, envious, doubt, fears, conclusions — full packed!

SURPRISES: I got the opportunity to experience dialysis in a closer perspective. I’m currently in the dialysis rendering my volunteer duty for another 6 months. I started May 11, 2009.

I realized, time is really really short to just wait for nonsense. I’m talking about waiting for that somebody to notice your existence, hell yeah.. I’ll let this feeling just go away and fade until it hurts no more.

CHALLENGES: Another learning gained.. and another one to go.. Yeah! Dialysis is not simple as it may seem. You must have the “Clinical Eye” to trouble shoot your patient, or better yet, to prevent trouble shooting..

TRIALS: Everyone of us has their own share of problems, and yeah, I also have some.. Well, I’m still here, “no to suicide” is one of my motto, you will not end your suffering, you will just add kerosene to a burning log. Your family will be greatly devastated and your body will be burned over and over again in inferno.

HURT FEELINGS: First of all, from the guy that I wanted the most. I’m here, he’s there, what more can I do? I’m a girl, I can’t do anything to make him fall for me.. wait! .. no! That would be a crime, not to anybody else but to my conscience.. Second, from my family. I feel squeezed between two pillars of sturdy rocks. My parents keep on jolting me to study for my exams, I always say, I know what I’m doing, I’m just managing my time. The truth is, I really want to study for myself, but the time won’t let me, I’m squeezing my time and expanding it to fit all the things I should do for a day. Hmph.

JOY IN SIMPLE THINGS: Being with my family every second is a big joy for me. I’m glad I was brought up to this world in simple things, it made me who I am right now.. full of principles, beliefs, under the grace of the Lord.

ENVIOUS: I’m honest.

DOUBT: More on the guy I want the most. I thought he want me too. I guess I’m wrong.

FEARS: My major fear since I was small is when I wake up one day and realize that time passed me by in spending it with my parents. I love my family so much more than my life..

CONCLUSIONS:

1. You can’t stop or freeze time

2. You can’t make anybody fall for you.. even if you think you can..

3. Life is made mostly of simple things. So if you don’t appreciate simple things, I’m sorry to say, you’re not living life to the fullest.

4. Making friends is really easy, but making them stay isn’t..

5. Certain people are just ‘high’ due to taking in so much “pride”.. they can’t even say I’m sorry or thank you.

6. I you really want something, I suggest you don’t give up easily.. ;i

7. Cooling off gives you time to think clearly.. and now I know the answer to my question.. =]

8. People are mean, all of them. It’s because of their tough experiences in life. You don’t have the right to blame them, because you’re one of them too..

9. Being mean doesn’t entitle you to do mean things. You are a human being, the highest form of living thing in the world.. you’re not an animal.. so control your temper..

10. Love truly, until your chest hurt, until your heart engorges due to tachycardia, until your face flushes, until you experience goose bumps in your whole body, until your eyes will pop out of their sockets, until your body turns warm all over, and until there’s no reason to love anymore..

11. so on and so on.. There’s so many more to write and so little time..

– Ask, and you will be answered..

– Cesary Jo Sanchez Dequiña

I feel so damn numb..

I’m alive but stagnant.. I know why and I know the solution to it but I just can’t make myself move.

There are times I feel alone and lonely, even though I have everything I could ask for. It’s like there’s still something missing in my complex system.

Mom concluded for me saying “It’s because you’re yearning for some love that you really want to have, but you just can’t”. I keep on grinning and saying to myself “yeah, yeah”, but deep inside, it’s the truth. I will no longer deny it to myself. Yeah, I think I’m in the right age for a relationship.. but I just can’t have it yet. Why? because I have goals to achieve… I asked myself once, “can I have them both at the same time?”.. but mom awakened my idealistic thought while saying, “you can’t focus in achieving your goals if there’s something bothering your mind all the time”.. I just kept quiet. Deep inside I don’t need to argue because I know mom is right, all the time.

Now, I keep on awakening myself everyday, holding my heart in platinum-like restraint while keeping my brain in-charge.

If you imagined it right, it’s sad. Yeah, but in the end, I know all my sacrifices for the betterment of my family will come to fruition. Bro is there for me.

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Okay, so, enough with the drama and in to the heart-jumping excitement.

I met this guy, he’s cute, kind, and has a typical male-ego syndrome. Well, at first he was just a normal paint in the wall and I don’t care for him at all. but the time came that we were in the same shift of duty, I realized there’s more to him than just pampered-powder-face, and sinister-like but amazingly cute grin. He’s totally okay to  be with, we got along fine and I can say we’re in the getting to know stage of friendship. Every time I see him I can’t help but wonder, “why is this person so cute..” Hmm.. Because you know, I usually don’t get attracted easily to cute faced men, I wonder why the change.. Haha.. Usually, brain and personality matter most to me.

—————————-

I’m always looking forward to seeing you, everyday. You made me feel jittery-alive again, haha, parkinson’s? Nah, what I mean is, you’re painting my world with vibrant colors everyday. I’ts a good thing the word “inspiration” exist, it makes me wake up and move on everyday with a wide, big smile glued in face.

—————————-

♥ .. Time Will Tell .. ♥

    July 24 10:45 PM, my friend from college texted telling me to listen to the radio, BOMBO RADIO because the DJ / announcer is enumerating the names of June 08 NLE Top 10 students. I thought it was just a prank or a joke again because in the past few days I’m always hearing dates on when the results will come out and I always end up disappointed. But then, It came to my mind that maybe this friend of mine is not joking at all, so I hurriedly opened the internet and typed the url of a website my friend gave me. To my surprise, the result of our examination was really there, so I downloaded it (pdf file).

     I told my sister to call mom because the result is already here, she hurriedly came while saying "te? ara na? abe lantawon ta!". As I scroll down the page I felt cold and my throat was dry, hehe. My mom said "O, ga palanugnaw na si Jingle o, hahaha! Abi ako nalang pa scrolla da." my sister being so excited said "sa letter D nalang bala daun ma." So she did, then she said "o… wala!" I felt the world crashing down on me … my sister said "padaluma bala ma, ara o! Dequiña, Cesary Jo!" We focused our eyes on the screen and looking at each other we suddenly hoorayed and hugged each other. hahaha! Dad suddenly came out of the room and joined us in our happiness.

    The feeling is very good. Passing the NLE is not a joke, it takes courage, will and determination. I know my friends will make it, every night I’m praying for it.

    The next step, is to apply for volunteer duty. Yes!

    GOD BLESS to us all and take care!

\m/o_~)

    After graduation, I felt sad .. as if I thought the world will end. Days go by and I miss my friends so much. When I entered the N.G. for a review program I found new friends, It took a while before I got calm in getting along with them but it was worth it. We hand-in-hand traverse the sea of books and notes until we arrived in the day that we all waited and prepared for. We took the exam, and every after each test we tried to keep quiet because that’s what we agreed the night before, but we can’t .. we shared to one another our answers. As expected there’s some differences in some of our answers, I admit, I felt bad that time .. I just prayed to GOD.
    After the long awaited exam, the boat that we got on arrived at the pier, saddened and a bit frustrated, we bid our goodbye to one another hoping that we will see each other again on the oath taking day .. When I saw mom and dad I was filled with mixed emotions, I just hugged them so tight and still crying I said "hidlaw ko sinyo bah!".
    Days go by and the internet is our only connection to one another (friends)(wala load eh, hehe).
    About my friendster profile, see the words "boom.boom"? It represent my friend from college .. and I kinda like the style too, it \m/s!
    I was hoping I could get a job to somehow help in the expenses here in our home, but mom and dad said there’s no need for me to work, so here I am, in our home, doing the things I don’t do before like, baby sitting to my cousin, cleaning the home, washing the dishes. Yep! but I don’t mind or have a grudge or something like that, it’s MY HOME we’re talking here ..
    I heard that the result of our exam will come out this July, and the oath taking will be on August. I’m praying really hard LORD, I believe ..
    Well, thanks for reading the updates of my life! GOD BLESS and take care!

Look at me… I’m different now, am i? different as before. well, i admit. its because of my WILL that i WANT to CHANGE, gets?

its been almost 4 years since i graduated from my alma mater, SILAY INSTITUTE. and now i can really say that i’ve changed into a more productive, leading, dancing, singing, joining school activities, contests, excelling in my own way… and its all because of my WILL.

i’ve met a couple of influencial personalities, & you know what? they’re my friends, up until now, & the following years to come, forever… they gave me strength, courage, & they showed me how to believe in my self.

now, i can really say that i’ve already reached my preliminary goal in life, & that’s to prove to myself & other people that i can also do what they can do. damn right…

now, whatever trials or impromptu you will throw at me, i can say that i can stand up, do the job with head upright, & finish the job with dignity & integrity. damn… hahaha! inglis to???

its amazing what almost 3 years can show you, the CHANGES & indifferences, the friends & jealousy, special someone & third party, success & trials, faith & confusions, honesty & eye deffects (stabismus/ super flexible optic muscles) hahaha! whaat? sa ka inchindi lng da ah.

to summarize it all, I DAMN LOVE MY LIFE! even though there’s a little flaw sometimes, well, problems will always be there no matter what. I’m always thankful to GOD for it all, why? those problems/ trials even made me stronger, tougher, & it also aide me to become a better me.

Like it? go to my blogs & read what i’ve made if you want. its all about me. have a nice day! HALONG!

Thank you friends for always being ther for me. well, I’m being
emotional again. I said to myself, If my time is actually due in this
beautiful world, it’s ok, atleast i’ve lived my everyday life contently.

Aa a child, I’ve dreamt of the things a child cannot still understand.
I want to explore space, like what an astronaut’s doing. I wanna climb
the highest mountain, but not the mt. everest, because I’ll freeze to
death in there if incase (hehe). I also wanna experience sky diving,
bunjie jumping, & scuba diving. wild dreams isn’t it? so far, what
i’ve achieved was the simple rock climbing in mambucal resort & the
one that we’re wearing a harness sloping down, damn…

My first ambition was to take medicine. but my mother said "it will
took you 10 years to graduate, and you’ll be old by that time" so, in
my young mind, i thought, "yeah, what will happen to me if it’s so. who
am I gonna marry by that time?" whaaat…! early mind ha, pero dipa marry2 na akon gina panumdum
(hahaha).when i was graduating in HS, i didn’t actually thing of what
i’m going to take up in my college years. my mother is working in
riverside hospital as a pharmacist, so, thinking that there’s benefits
& everything, I decided to take up nursing.so here i am,struggling
to succeed,not that i’m having a hard time or something like that.it’s
the STRESSES in this field that’s making me ill. damn… the studies
are ok but there’s certain factors that’s making it difficult (like the
instructors for EXAMPLE) damn…

my friends, if incase the time for me will come, i’m giving my consent
that whatever secrets that i’ve shared with you, you can freely expose
them to the right persons & the right time ONLY. (ano ni, advance
directive? hahaha)

oh,man…i love my family very much.and i will do anything for them.my bro & sis are very kind and considerate,the 2 of you’re good,keep it up.I LOVE YOU GUYS =)

Right now I really can’t explain what or how I should feel. Of all these happenings in my life, it all seem blur. I think its because of the fact that I am a candidate for graduation, after this 4 years of struggle, hope, winning, failing, all this with my friends… Are all of this gonna end? I think I’m getting used to this stuffs. But I guess there will always be an anding for everything. Dear God, please help me sort out these feelings, its all been mixed up, you know, like all fruits and vegetables put into a blender & mixed up. oh, well, I guess I’ll just have faith in you Almighty Father up in heaven.

Being a Nursing student is never the same as being a High School student. My life was changed. I never thought I would do great in my College years, but hey, here I am, still striving & doing my best. Now, I love nursing, I love everything in it, I love studying everything there is to know in becomimg a nurse. Here in my Alma Mater, here I met the special person in my life now. But he doesn’t know he’s special to me, we’re close friends right now and close friends we’ll be staying until chance permit. I’m contented with my life… in my College years. =)